So, I’ve Been Meaning To…

…catch up with all of you.  Apparently I have been meaning to do that for 75 days at this point.  Seventy-five days.  That is just insane.

My life has been pretty busy.  I feel like it is busier than normal even.  My abridged version:

1. My knees (more so my left) are killing me.  I mean serious pain…constant pain…the kind of pain that makes you walk up the stairs like a two-year-old griping the rail for dear life.

2. My weight continues to hold steady…around 190 to 193 pounds.  I saw one glimpse of 189.8 on the scale…then the very next day I was back to 192.  Infuriating.

3. I am training with Aaron steadily these days.  Things did not “end” well with Denise, unfortunately, and I am missing her like crazy.  I will always be grateful to her for getting my through some of the toughest months in my journey and being ridiculously supportive even when I was whining like a baby.

4. I went back to college.  I had graduated in January with an Associate degree.  Currently I am working toward a Bachelor’s in Health Sciences (Health & Wellness).  This is pretty exciting…and also makes me very busy.  Should I actually be able to make myself blog on any kind of regular basis, I will have all kinds of good/fascinating information to share with you all!

5. I am getting stronger.  A lot stronger.  A military push-up (one in which you keep your elbows tucked neatly next to your torso instead of flaring them out at a 45-degree angle) was something that eluded me…and annoyed me.  However, I am happy to say I can do them!  Not a ton of them, but still I can…and in perfect form!  This was a major victory for me…strange, I know.

6. My right elbow cannot behave for any length of time.  I was diagnosed with tendonitis in it a couple months ago.  I iced it, rested it, and took Ibuprofen.  It felt better, so I did upper body with Aaron and then it was mad at me again.  Then, repeat…and again…and again.  Every time I give it a week or two off, it feels great.  However, as soon as I do any pushing or pulling…WHAM-O! It is killing me all over again.  Also frustrating.

7. Friday marked my third Ortho-Visc injection (second set) in both knees.  Friday and Saturday were *rough* (to say the least), but today they seem to be feeling a little better.  Hopefully this means I will have some time to work on them.

8. I have decided to write a book…after *lots* of urging from friends, family, and acquaintances.  Personally, I think the idea of writing a book all about me is egotistical.  Other people; however, seem to think it would be beneficial and inspirational to those who would want to read a book all about me.  So, as part of my submission, I will be doing a photo shoot on Jan 5 & 6th.  Aaron, Dorsey, Chris, and others from Fitworks will be joining me for the shoot.  Honestly, I doubt I could pull it off without them (as I plan to hide behind them as much as possible – tee hee).

9. I still struggle with body image…and loving myself.  That has not changed much, if at all.  I have a difficult time seeing how far I have come more than how much further I have left to travel.  I think not seeing the scale move for a couple months compounds this issue…at least for me anyway.  I am actively working on this, though.  Some texts I have to read for school may help: Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert is one I am reading right now.

10. I still struggle with making good food choices.  Not every single day, but in times of great stress I still find myself considering things I should not.  I will spare you the details, but let me just admit that I had an internal debate with myself for about an hour over Junior Mints (whether or not to buy them).  I will also say that on that day in particular, no Junior Mints came home with me.  On that day.

11. Cardio is hard…with these knees…which has a lot to do with the scale not moving, I am sure.  It should get easier once this Ortho-Visc “kicks in” to help alleviate some of the discomfort in my joints.

12. I need to count calories, but find it too damn annoying…and slightly depressing.  I hate counting calories.  I really do.  Aaron keeps telling me I need to (since I am not losing weight easily anymore), and I know he is right.  However, counting calories either makes me feel super fat or starving.  No happy medium.  Crazy, I know.

Well, I am sure I missed some things, but that is a general update of how things have been going, and what I am up to right now.  It is my honest intention to keep on blogging…regularly…so, hopefully I will be “seeing” you again later this week.

How have you been holding up?
-Erica

I Am Still Alive

This ridiculously sad looking fella could not be more accurate on how I have been feeling over the last month.  Let me first say I cannot believe it has been a month since I have blogged.  How sad is that?!  I am really disappointed that I let it go that long.

The last month has been insanely challenging.  Unfortunately, the road immediately ahead does not seem to be much brighter…

My older daughter (just turned eight on Tuesday) was tentatively diagnosed with absence epilepsy.  We are scheduled to be admitted to Children’s Hospital on the 10th for a 5-day observation (video EEG).  So, we will be released on the 15th (hopefully).  They have decided that they are putting her Depakote regardless of what the testing shows in the hospital.  This medication has serious (as in life-threatening) liver implications, so I am a nervous wreck just about the medication itself.  Challenge #1.

I visited my sports med doctor on the 14th of September…just as a follow up.  However, I mentioned how much my left knee has been hurting again (despite the OrthoVisc injections done in late May)…and that my right knee had started to bother me.  Challenge #2: I was officially diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my right knee, too.  I also learned that my left knee apparently needs to be replaced.  It took me at least a week to even digest that information, honestly.  They are not going to replace it right away (I am 30 years old), so they will be giving me another round of the OrthoVisc (in both knees this time) when I am due in November.  I have no idea how much time I have until they will/must replace this knee, but it makes me extremely anxious.

To add insult to injury…they have placed me back on extreme restriction.  That means no lunging, squatting, jumping, or running.  Even the spin bike kills my left knee right now.  I am barely able to get on the Neil for even 15 minutes.  That, of course, has made cardio nearly impossible. Challenge #3.

To follow all that whining and complaining, though…I have not gained weight.  I also have not lost any.  I still go to the gym four or five days a week.  Some days I do not break a sweat, though.  I am there.  I am working.  But, I feel like I am not really accomplishing anything.  However, I came across a post on Facebook from Shonnie.  It was a picture that said, “the only bad workout is the one that didn’t happen.”  That *really* made me think about how I have not given up.  Despite all the complications and distractions, I have never stopped going to the gym.  That counts for something, right?

Shonnie helped to renew my spirit today, and she did not even mean to.  Go figure.  Inspiration comes from the most random of places…especially when you are not expecting it.

No obstacle is too great when you have the right attitude…and the right people certainly make it easier.  Thanks, Shonnie!

-Erica

Weigh Day (week forty-three)

Holy moly, folks!  This weekend slipped right away from me without any kind of warning!  This, of course, is the late edition of weigh day.  Sorry about that!

I have big news from the previous week:

I was discharged from physical therapy!  They measured my knee cap for progress and…it does not track incorrectly anymore!  They were astonished.  Really.  One girl measured me…and then measured again.  Stood there staring at me…measured again.  Said, “Okay.  I must be doing something wrong here.  How did you measure her before?”  Cue the other gal (who originally measured me) to come over and measure me.  Both girls measured exactly the same way.  Both girls stood staring at me, confused, after measuring me.  Just about eight weeks ago that knee cap was moving laterally (horizontally) more than half an inch when I flexed my quad.  And now nothing.  It stayed completely put (which, of course, is what we want)…they were not expecting that.  This is *huge* for me, although I am still not cleared for running and jumping.  I have to get that clearance from the doc on Friday (which I doubt will happen because the knee is still killing me from the damage that was already sustained and the arthritis).

Here is how the rest of the week looked:

Sunday – relaxation day

Monday – dinner with my bestie in the whole wide world, Leslie

Tuesday – 30 mins of spin

Wednesday – legs and arms (party day at the gym – sorry no pics!) (12,153 steps)

Thursday – 1.5 hours of bootcamp with Denise (12,984)

Friday – physical therapy; 15 mins of spin; 20 mins of stairs with Chris (21,103 steps)

Saturday – 1.5 hour bootcamp with Denise; gardening (13,279)

Sunday – relaxation day (11,565)

The celebration Wednesday went well, and I was so glad it was quicker than I had imagined.  I doubt I have ever had reason to mention it here, but I am horribly socially awkward when a room full of people are staring at me.  It is so bad, in fact, that the situation becomes painful for the crowd as well as myself.  People can usually pick up the tension in my pale face and sweaty upper lip…yeah, I am not even good at hiding that fear/awkwardness.  Thank goodness I was not required to speak…and thank goodness all the people who said they were coming did not show up (only about half made it).  Denise was cracking up because she has never seen that side of me, and it thoroughly confused her.  She teased me a little both Thursday and Saturday when I seen her at bootcamp.  🙂

As for weigh in…things are still moving in the direction I want:

213.0

That is one pound down from last week.  Not going to lie…wish it were more…but I am not disappointed or anything.  How could I be knowing that brings me to a total of 102 pounds lost?!  Right?  That also means I am *so very* close to being under 200 pounds…and I cannot wait!

GOAL TRACKER:
3 weeks; 4 days
13.2 pounds
(I know this is unattainable at this point, but I am curious to see just how close I will get by June 1st.  So, I will keep this running until then.)

How was your week?  Was it everything you hoped it would be?  If not, how can you improve your upcoming week?

-Erica

Weigh Day (week forty)

I do not know that I will ever get used to just how fast time goes.  This week has been exciting and frustrating all rolled into one.  Probably more frustrating than anything, though, if I am being totally honest.

As you all know, my doc did not have great news regarding my left knee.  However, the news got worse as I went to see the sports med docs Friday.  They gave me a cortisone shot (OUCH!!!) and want me back in therapy for the knee…and in therapy for my right hip, too!  The deal with the hip is strange.  When I started therapy for my left knee weeks ago they were showing me stretches and told me it would be wise to do them on both legs (because it is likely both are equally tight).  So, I did.  The problem?  Somehow I strained my adductor and impinged a (something) in my capsule.  This equals discomfort and pain when doing certain exercises (like squats and lunges, to name a couple).

He also gave me a brace for my knee and followed that up with: “There is not a lot of documentation that this kind of brace is really going to mean improvement for your condition.  However, try wearing it and see if it makes a difference for you.  If it does, wear it.  If it doesn’t, don’t.”  Fun, right?  So, here is an extremely uncomfortable neoprene brace that you practically have to lube up and shove your leg into…but it probably will not help.  Perfect.  I wore the stupid thing to bootcamp yesterday morning and will not be wearing it today.  I will wear it again tomorrow, and not the next.  Hopefully I will learn quickly if I feel any relief from it…and then decide if it is worth *all* the trouble to get it on and off.  Sigh.

So, aside from all that nonsense…here is what my week looked like:

Sunday – lazy day (didn’t write my steps down – shame on me!)

Monday – physical therapy (10,068)

Tuesday – back, shoulders, abs; 5 mins on the stairs with Chris; 22:30 mins on Neil with Chris (23,622)

Wednesday – 10 mins on the stairs with Chris; 35 mins with Denise (13,388)

Thursday – light legs and abs with Denise (17,349)

Friday – lights arms and back (11,090)

Saturday – 1.5 hours of bootcamp with Denise (10,052)

One truly exciting part of the week is that I have officially starting studying for my personal training certification exam.  I must admit I am really stoked about doing this…and a whole ton of nerves over the whole thing, too.  I suppose that is to be expected, though, right?

So, as for weigh in…

218.0

Ever so slowly creeping toward the 100-pound mark…and getting *so* very close!!!  That leaves me exactly THREE pounds away…and only 18.2 away from ONEderland!!!!  Words cannot describe how *that* day is going to feel – really!  I cannot remember the last time I saw *ANYTHING* on the scale that started with a ONE (I do know it was *never* as an adult, though…ever)!

GOAL TRACKER:
6 weeks; 5 days
18.2 pounds

-Erica

More On The Knee

So, at this point I have been in physical therapy for five weeks.  The first three weeks I was not allowed to jump, run, lunge, squat…pretty much any really good leg move.  I was miserable, but my knee was feeling *much* better.

The fourth week I was cleared to start lunging and squatting again.  That went just fine – still no pain in the knee.  Last Friday they added jumping into my routine.  That, unfortunately, is where things went wrong.

Friday was alright (I did two or three jumping exercises), but Monday they added even more jumping maneuvers.  Uck.  My knee hurt *so* bad Monday evening I could not even workout.  I could not walk up my stairs leading with my left leg either.  So, I looked like a toddler taking one step at a time always leading with my right leg.  Awful.

I just left my doctor’s office and the news did not get any better.  Since my knee cap is still not tracking correctly, and I still have pain with use of the knee, he is referring me to sports medicine docs.  That, in itself, is fine.  The problem is he decided to restrict me…again.  No running or jogging, and absolutely no jumping!  He really is not on board with me continuing with lunging and squatting, but I told him (which is completely true) that those moves do not irritate my knee.  So, extremely hesitantly he told me that “some light lunging and squatting could be okay” but that I should watch it and definitely not add weight to it.

Does this knee really not understand that I have goals to accomplish?!  I do not have time for this…seriously.  I hate being limited, and I hate feeling held back.  That, unfortunately, is something I have to deal with because the alternative is me damaging my knee so bad that I will require surgery.  Of course, I do not want that.

So, for now I am to avoid running, jogging, and jumping like the plague.  My doc even said it could take *months* for this to heal.  *MONTHS* – like I have that kind of time.  He added (with a lighthearted smile and chuckle) that he wants me to make it to my goal, but with the ability to walk when I get there.  🙂

-Erica

An Update On This Knee

This knee…is a serious pain in my…knee.  My first physical therapy appointment was yesterday afternoon.  I honestly expected to get a “that’s not that bad” or a “that’ll be easily fixed.”  Let me tell you, that is *not* what was said – ever.

It turns out that my knee is worse than I imagined.  When she marked the edge of my knee cap and then asked me to flex my quad (still lying flat and not bending my leg at all) the shock on her face said it all.  She then marked the edge of knee cap with my quad flexed.  The result?  My knee cap deviates to the left *more* than half an inch when I flex my quad.  I do not even have to bend the stupid leg to dislocate the knee cap – just flex.  My outer quad is *that* much strong than my inner quad.  Go figure.

The other bit of bad news is that my right knee does the same thing…I’m just not symptomatic on that side – yet.  So, all the exercises/stretches I will be doing for my left knee, I will be repeating for my right knee.  Hopefully this will prevent me from doing as much damage to my right knee as I have my left (and, of course, hopefully that prevents the right knee from ever hurting this way).

When the physical therapist checked the strength on all four sections of my quad, it was surprising.  My leg is very strong in three directions, and weak like a child in one (which, of course, is the inner quad).  This imbalance is what is causing my malfunction.  Additionally, my quad muscles and hip flexors are extremely tight, which compounds the problem.  I stretch every day (usually multiple times even), but evidently I am not stretching efficiently enough to properly lengthen/loosen my muscles.  So, they showed me ways to properly stretch…and, who knew a stretch could hurt so bad?!  When she started to stretch the front of my thigh, I almost shot off the table and said an abundance of sailor words!  Sheesh.

In light of this information, I am seriously debating whether continuing with Zumba is a good idea.  I love it, and I seriously want to go back.  However, all that bouncing around and squatting/lunging is strictly forbidden for the sake of not grinding any more of my joint away.  Decisions, decisions.

Looks like this will be a challenging road to travel…and this certainly means more alterations to my workout routines.  I *must* be very aware of how I move my legs and when I flex my quad.  Should be interesting.  Thank goodness I have Denise – she always knows what to do!  🙂

-Erica

Serious Fun {with a Hefty Dose of Pain}

Last night I ventured into new territory and attended a Zumba class held at Fitworks.  Denise has been telling me for months to get into those classes.  I have to admit I always find myself stopping to observe everyone in the classroom dancing, laughing, and having a great time.  I absolutely love to dance (who doesn’t, though?), so I thought it would be a natural love affair.

Denise and I discussed Zumba again since my knee malfunction came to pass.  I expressed concern that I would not be able to do all the moves (jumping/bouncing and the like).  Of course she said, “Then modify those moves, chica!”  After much deliberation, I decided she was right (yes, of course she was right) and I ventured in.

Here is the “problem” with me…I do not do “half-assed” things.  If I am going to do something, I am going to *DO* it.  So, when the moves turned into bouncing, squatting, lunging, and all the other stuff I am “forbidden” from doing…I was doing them anyway.  Maybe not jumping as high or lunging as deep, but there I was moved by the music and in the mindset that nothing could stop me.  I had an absolute *blast* and loved every single {painful} minute of it.

Once the class was over and I started to walk out is when the pain truly set in.  I found myself half limping to my car and wishing I had not done quite as much as I did.  As soon as I walked in my door, I grabbed ice and a comforter and headed for the couch.  I used the comforter to prop up my left knee/leg and ever so gently laid the ice down over the whole section.  The throbbing became so intense for a bit I could not even concentrate on anything.  I sat and stared at my ice pack.  Once my ability to form thoughts came back I found myself thinking forward to next Thursday.  How am I going to prevent myself from irritating my knee this much when I *want* to move.  I *want* to dance.  But, considering the amount of pain I was in all night (including so much pain it woke me up a few times in the middle of the night), I do not want repeat that fiasco again.

So, I suppose I will talk with my doctor this week about getting a knee brace of some sort.  Maybe wearing support that prevents my knee cap from pivoting/dislocating would help me move better (and/or make it hurt less)?  Who knows.  All I do know is I loved Zumba, and I want to do it again…this time without the hefty dose of pain.

Do any of you wear any kind of brace during workouts?  If so, was it prescribed to you (such as a custom-fit brace) or did you purchase it at the store?  Do find it helps you significantly reduce discomfort or does it serve more as a reminder to take it easy on that joint?

-Erica

Random Observations

Here is a collection (in no specific order) containing random observations I have made recently:

1. I cannot jump rope to save my life.  Something so simple.  Something every child can do with ease.  It is hilariously wrong to see me even attempt it.  You may (or may not) have noticed I added “Jump Rope (successfully)” to my list of goals.  I will practice.  I will jump rope (successfully).  I will.  Can you jump rope (successfully)?  If so, do you jump with both feet together or do you “skip” with one foot at a time (like a little girl skipping down the street while jumping rope…to help with the visual)?

2. I must see my doctor about my left shoulder.  I have mentioned it here a couple times.  The stupid thing is still bothering me (it has been about five or six weeks, I believe).  Yeah me.  Not.

3. My ankle seems to be improving rapidly.  I have actually taken my brace off, which is major.  Physical therapy is twice a week, so that is a bonus.  Additionally, I do think my new athletic shoes have helped tremendously.

4. I can feel hip bones, folks!  This was an incredible (and quite comical) day for me.  I cannot recall ever being able to feel hip bones in my life (I am sure I could as a child, but who remembers that?!).  In fact, I was so surprised when I felt “something hard” in my side I did not even realize that is what it was.  (That is the comical part)  I had to have my ex- feel “that mysterious hard thing” in my side to find out…it was my pelvic bone!  You should have seen the look on his face *that* day.

5. More injury…my left knee.  The grinding, popping, and clicking seems to be getting worse (not better as I hoped it would).  So, apparently, when I go see my doctor about my shoulder, we will be having a conversation about my knee, too.  Boo!

6. I have poor posture.  I have been overweight/obese/morbidly obese my entire adult life.  In that time frame I have learned/adapted to sitting with my back curled and shoulders slumped forward.  This did a couple things for me (at the time).  A) Hid my *huge* breasts and helped me feel like they were “less big.” B) Released pressure from my lower spine.  I have a herniated and slipped disc in my lumbosacral area.  So, curling my spine forward prevented those discs from being compressed from all the weight I was carrying.  The problem is now I have trouble keeping my back straight and shoulders back (especially when I am doing certain moves in the gym…like stiff leg barbell lifts…or rows…or many other things).  I must work on my posture, and on my upper back strength.

7. I find I am still pretty consumed by the thought of summer…and bathing suits.  Just thinking about it now I felt my heart kick it up a notch.  Anxiety, folks.  Really.  I would love to just “get it over with” and buy something now.  However, I know that would not be in my best interest because I *will* be losing more weight/inches before summer.  How in the world am I going to get through the rest of winter and spring without going crazy?!  Do you have bathing suit anxiety?

8. Emotional eating is something I still battle with…but I am winning.  To me this is a sure sign of food addiction.  Eating when you are not hungry.  Eating instead when you are _____ (fill in some sort of emotion).  I still find that when I get upset my mind instantly wanders to food.  The really exciting part (for me) is that I do *not* get the food.  Sure, my mind still goes there, but my body and mouth do not.  I find something else to do instead…some high knees (plyo), a hot bath with a book, play a game with my chicklets, etc.  Pretty much anything else to keep my hands (and my mind) busy without food.  It is a daily struggle.  Really.  Are you an emotional eater?  If so, what kinds of food do/did you find yourself reaching for?

9. I need more cardio in my life…and soon.  I have been really kicking it up on the weight-lifting front, but my cardio has waned.  The scale numbers have also slowed to a crawl, which tells me I need to change it up…more cardio!  I am still losing, but ever so slowly these days.  I truly believe that is related to the decline in amount of time I spend doing strictly cardio exercises.  What is your favorite way to get cardio in?

10. An update on my disconnect… I think this is improving.  Not as much as I would like, but I cannot complain about improvement of any kind.  When I look at myself in the full-length mirrors at the gym (obviously fully clothed), I am starting to notice changes in my body.  Thanks, Denise (she made me start working out in front of the mirrors in the first place)!  The only time I really still feel that “disconnect” is when I am naked.  I still have a hard time seeing those changes when nothing is between my eyes and my body (IE. clothes, mirror, etc.).  That will take some more time, I suppose.

11. A goal has been marked off…”Take a group class at the gym.”  Last night was, in fact, the second class I have taken at Fitworks.  They are offering free self defense classes every other Wednesday.  I know these are not “traditional” fitness classes, but at least I am there doing things with other people.  Hopefully this will build my confidence and encourage me to attend other classes (like Zumba or a power class).  Small steps.  Really small.  Do you take classes at your gym?  If so, what is your favorite class…and why?

-Erica